Say These 3 Words to Instantly Defuse Your Rage

When your emotions are running strong, start by naming the dominant one: “This is rage,” “this is anxiety,” “this is grief.” 

Which one it is will determine what you do next and what you need in the moment, whether that’s comfort, a phone call, or a few deep breaths. Each emotion comes with its own pull, Sauer-Zavala says. Anger, for instance, tends to push you to set a boundary. “When you label, you can identify what the emotion is trying to tell you and act accordingly,” she says. If you’re stuck on “I feel awful” after a tense exchange, you might just stew, or fire back something you’ll regret. But if you land on “This is rage,” you can reflect on the fact that someone crossed a line, and pivot your focus to setting a boundary.

Sauer-Zavala tells beginners to try labeling their big emotions just once a day for a week, rather than treating it as a lifelong project. “You don’t have to become a Zen master,” she says. If you’re fuming in a traffic jam, stewing after a tense meeting, or lying awake ruminating at 2 a.m., name what you’re feeling. Over time, the labels will start to reveal patterns. Cleary asks people to pay attention to which feelings keep surfacing and when—anger that flares every evening, say, or loneliness that creeps in at night. Those throughlines point to the triggers worth addressing. The more you name what you’re feeling, she says, the more you’ll learn about yourself.